ARE YOU THE PERSON WHO USES THIS COMPUTER?

YES - Please proceed...

No, this is someone else's computer, or I am not a user on this system (Please have the actual user fill this out).

Ugly Truth: In many cases a reformat and reload of Windows is the ONLY way to repair the computer (Don't panic, we CAN back up your data!). Sometimes we try everything we know, and just cannot do it without "Nuking and Paving" the hard drive. Most hackers don't offer us the courtesy of telling us how to clean their damage. If you are hacked, or have many spyware problems, a reformat is the only way to go. We know you don't wanna hear that, and we do not wanna have to say it, but sometimes it is the only way.)

If your data has become so corrupted that the only way to fix it is to erase the data on the hard drive and reload Windows, may we do that?

YES No, I will live with it. No, this is here for a hardware issue and doesn't involve Windows. The guy/girl behind the counter agrees!

If you said yes to the above question, would you like us to have your data backed up?

Here is how it works: We remove the hard drive that is in the computer. We then place it in an enclosure, so it becomes an external drive, like a backup drive. We then install a 120GB Solid State Drive into the computer. These things are cool. REALLY Cool. They QUADRUPLE the speed of the computer, and are not affected by shock, and are transferable to another computer (just incase your computer is old and you are thinking of replacing it in the near future, this is an investment, not a cost!) The price for all this goodness is $129.00, the same price Big Brand Namelss charges you to just back up your user files on a couple of DVDs. What a deal! If you need more space than 120GB, a 250GB is only $49.00 more.

Yes, I want a backup. Make it a 250GB for $49.00 more. No, nuke it! I don't want a backup or this doesn't apply!

While we are on the subject of Micro$oft, please understand that Microsoft Office does NOT "come with" Microsoft Windows. It is a $100.00 to $500.00 add-on. If it came on your computer, we will be happy to reload it if you have your restore disc with the programs embedded in it, or the separate suite AND LICENSE. Please do not ask us to reload Office if you do not have the above. We really want to help, we just don't want Bill Gates' lawyers all over us. His lawyers are better than ours, and he is the richest man in the world because he charges for these things....

To make the situation all better, we will GLADLY load Libre Office which is fully compatible with Microsoft Office's documents. We like it so much we uninstalled Microsoft Office. Even our suppliers use it to send Microsoft stuff.

PLEASE CHECK YES IF YOU UNDERSTAND THIS. IF YOU DO NOT, ASK FOR ASSISTANCE.

Yes, I understand. I think Microsoft is Evil.

While we are still on the subject of Microsoft, please understand that we cannot reload Windows without your Certificate Of Authenticity. It is the little colored sticker somewhere on the outside of your case, or, if you are unfortunate enough to have an upgrade version, it is the wide yellow sticker inside the box that came with it. Windows 8 users need not be concerned with this.

If you do not have a certificate of authenticity, we cannot reload Windows without a Windows purchase.

IS THERE A CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICY BEING PROVIDED TO US, EITHER BY A BOOK OR A STICKER (WIN 2000, XP)?

YES

No, I do not have a genuine copy of Windows, I have to buy a copy. I know it sucks, too.

DO WE NEED A PASSWORD TO LOG INTO WINDOWS?

Yes, the password is:

No, paranoia is not part of my existence.

DO WE NEED A PASSWORD TO GET INTO THE BIOS? IF YOU DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION, ANSWER "NO"

Yes. It is:

NO, Or, I have no idea what you are talking about (It's okay, in this case, if you don't!)

I WANT PRIORITY SERVICE, TO BE BEFORE EVERYONE, I UNDERSTAND THAT MY COMPUTER WILL GO ON THE BENCH IMMEDIATELY AND IT WILL BE WORKED ON WITH NO BREAKS UNTIL IT IS FINISHED. I UNDERSTAND THIS COSTS $40.00

YES, I want priority service - It's still cheaper than anywhere else!

NO, I am mellow and in no hurry. I won't torture you by calling and "inquiring as to the status of my computer" since I know that will result in dolls made in my likeness and unspeakable things done to them like the Big Boy doll. I can call after ten days, though, because any longer than that and you are playin video games or something!!!

Hey, we really want your money more than your computer (unless it's really, really nice, in which case we may play with it for a few minutes until the A.D.D. sets in.) We know you really, really want your computer back. We've been there. we usually get the stuff on the bench as soon as we can, but we don't know what is wrong with it yet (usually). That takes time (if you disagree, tell me what is wrong with my car and how long it will take to fix. Hint: it squeaks).

If you need service today, right now, just swallow hard and cough up the 40 bucks and we will not cease working on it until it is completely, positively, absolutely, without a doubt, fixed. If you don't wanna be at the front of the line, wait at least 10 days before torturing us. Giving us that second phone number really helps. We will, really really will (i ain't kiddin ya, really) call you the moment it is done. Can ya handle it?

Yes. I can handle it. I don't want my underwear full of Abernician goat fleas!

I paid for priority service. I'm gonna be first! I know you will not stop working on it and I won't bring that all to a grinding halt by torturing you on the phone asking if it is done yet!

We used to have the notice above. It didn't work. So we had to enforce it with the below line (Note: If you don't check the box we will still charge you!)

The Skunk ain't playin! I understand that Skunk-A-Rific WILL BILL ME $5.00 per phone call inquiring if the system is finished before ten days are up I consent to this and I accept the charges even if another member of my family/business calls!

I bought priority service, and I still understand you will call me the moment it is done and won't torture you with phone calls that seem like a long trip with a five year-old (is it done yet, are we there yet? Is it done yet, I have to go potty, is it done yet? I'm just checking on the status of my computer, are we there yet?

I am gonna call you anyway. You can charge me and put fiberglass in my underwear. (Go ahead and check it.)

Was the computer purchased here or had work on it in the last 30 days?

YES NO

Tell us your problems, cry on our shoulder. What is wrong with it?

What else, besides the tower or laptop, are you bringing us?

If your computer is here due to viruses, spyware, popups, hacking, or slow performance, we STRONGLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU CHOOSE STANDARD SERVICE. Just print this out (see below) and let the service manager know that you would like standard service. WE DO NOT WARRANT ANY SOFTWARE AFTER IT LEAVES OUR STORE. You are free to inspect the computer as long as you wish befor you leave the store, however, we cannot warranty any software after you leave the store. If you need a software warranty, please choose standard service. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT WE CANNOT WARRANT SOFTWARE (OR THE DESTRUCTION THAT SOME SOFTWARE CAUSES) NOT INSTALLED OR APPROVED BY US!